The basic idea is that each of us engages others in conversational transactions in order to get “strokes” - sought after reactions that reinforce our self-esteem or give us pleasure of some sort. An example: I unburden myself on a friend, hoping that she will validate me with commiseration and agreement - that she will give me strokes of reassurance that I am a good person. I may be telling her how someone is taking advantage of me and expect praise for being so unselfish, I certainly don’t want her to tell me what a wimp I am. Alternately, I may be telling her how I won out over someone else. In which case, her response should be to agree that I was totally right to assert myself the way I did. This sort of be-on-my-side game is one that I have to admit playing. I think, really, we all play it.

Another fundamental concept here is the re-visiting of Freud’s Id, Ego, and Superego as components of the personality. They are re-named the Child, the Adult, and the Parent and Berne points out our tendency to assume one of these perspectives  in order to elicit a particular reaction from others. Example: a boss behaves in a domineering way to elicit childlike submission from employees or a friend behaves incompetently in order to receive assistance

It is both interesting and embarrassing to learn about transactional analysis and see myself reflected in the games. The “strokes” come in a variety of forms, not just as the positive praise you might expect. Sometimes the strokes are masochistic in nature, or merely the playing out of an expected scene. This is evident in the names of many of the games such as Alcoholic, Shlemiel, and Kick Me. Fascinating. I wonder what conversational games I play the most frequently, the ones I need to learn to stop playing, and perhaps even a few that I should start.

#2 Why is it that the people you don’t want to talk to/date/befriend are the very people who want to talk to/date/befriend you. And the people that you DO want to talk to/date/befriend are the very people that don’t want to talk to/date/befriend you? It’s amazing any of us get along at all.

#4 Software that absolutely does NOT work the way it should, but nobody can fix it and we all just have to learn to deal with it like a “difficult” person, but it isn’t a person, it’s a man made tool that is SUPPOSED to be helpful but isn’t. If I could strangle an interface, I would.

#5 The energy that  people, especially women, spend on self-doubt, worry, self-criticism, criticizing eachother, and running on the treadmill of self-improvement. That being said, I am always obsessed with these things myself. On to #6

#6  My own inability to think and act and talk and be what I myself admire.

#7 People who put you down, whether it is on purpose or “by accident.”

#8 There is never an end to the tasks we don’t like doing so there is always a tinge of guilt when engaging in stuff we do like doing. For example “I want to read this book or go out with a friend but geeez I should really clean the kitchen.” WHY IS THE KITCHEN NEVER CLEAN?!?! No matter how many times I clean it, it gets messy all over again. It’s like a puppy or a toddler that I adopted unintentionally.

#9  I wish the people I like would always be healthy and content and fulfilled. I know they can’t always be that way. But I want them to be.

#10  I think I’ve run out of peeves at the moment. Well now, isn’t that nice. If I have to pick one to finish out the list… how about misogeny. Yah. Or war or arms trading or poverty or abuse or all the nasty things we humans do to eachother and the sense of powerlessness that most of us have about it all. There. That’s a gooder.

Ahhh. that was a tasty rant. Now back to the books.

Even though many western women can vote, can read, can work for wages, we are still being oppressed in a more insidious way. Noam Chomsky refers to “the battle for men’s minds,” when in a supposed democracy those in power cannot force our submission with military force they must find other means or lose their power. Thy do this through propaganda or, as we call it currently, mass media. The public becomes focused on sporting events and Brittany Spears rather than politics, the environment, and human rights. We become insecure and desperate to fulfill the created needs sold to us by advertisement. We become fearful of the many threats broadcast on the news and allow our freedoms to be taken away in the name of protection. This attitude of mass hysteria and hopelessness leaves the powers that be free to behave as they will without our interference and often with our consent. How handy for them.

How deeply I have internalized these messages. How thoroughly I have learned the lessons taught by Mother Culture. How swiftly I will pull myself back in line when I stray from the rules. That voice in our heads, chastising, criticizing, demeaning, demoralizing. My internal dialogue, always noticing my ”imperfections” and voicing them to myself, to other women, and - especially heinously - to young women.  “One person can’t make a difference.” “Do I look fat in this?” “She is so skinny, what a bitch.” ”I hate my _____ (insert body part or personal characteristic here)!” Every time I speak this language of shame, I myself become the instrument of indoctrination that consumes love and confidence and self-agency. By cutting myself and others down, I become part of that cycle, that machine, that pushes us through the grinder of conformity.

When I stop speaking that language, in my head or out loud. I am punished by the voice in my head and by my culture. They scream “Who do you think you are?! Who are you to accept yourself? Who are you to feel pleasure without guilt? Get back in your place and do what we tell you or the whole world will fall apart!” And so, I put the shackles back on. I seek to please, I am the good girl who demonstrates that I am worthy of love by being self-less. Think about that: SELF-LESS. Without self.  Just try to be self-ish and see how the world responds. No one loves a selfish woman. Ideal feminine images are giving, giving, giving. From the mother to the whore. They give themselves away, endlessly, in a propaganda induced obscenity. We are social creatures, like orphan children in Romania we will die without interaction and touch and love. The threatened loss of love, of rejection, has motivated humans to do terrible terrible things. In this case we reject or hide our selves in order to avoid being rejected by others and by our culture.

In the video, one of the presenters spoke about how each woman today ”stands on the shoulders of giants.” It refers to a letter written by Isaac Newton, in which he states the following: “If I have seen a little further it is by standing on the shoulders of Giants.” The expression is often used to indicate the cumulative nature of human progress where we build on the discoveries and accomplishments of others, doing more over time than one person could ever accomplish in their lifespan.

The speaker in the film was referring to the ways women won the vote, gained reproductive rights, and so forth. I, for one, am inexpressably grateful that I am a person under the law, that I can own property, that I am educated, that I have legal recourse if I am abused, that I can vote, that I can run in an election or participate in a protest and influence the laws and institutions of my society. All of these things came about because some women (along with some like-minded male supporters) sought to create new roles for themselves according to a vision that was different than the status quo. Well, I have a vision.

I claim the right to define myself. To decide who I am and who I will be. To decide that I am beautiful and valuable and meaningful exactly as I am during every moment of my life. I assert that all persons also have the right to choose their own identity. Even to change it, to re-invent themselves. To be in the minority and still be granted human rights and protection from harm. To be gay or Native or fat or short or poor or transgendered or unmarried or a person with a disability. To wear a mohawk or a piercing or a tie or to go bra-less. I will speak the language of diversity, of celebration, of personal empowerment instead of oppression. I will seek out and share representations that set us free from the boxes of pretty, of manly, of pure. Or at least, I will try. I will need support and I will support others who are also on this journey. No longer will I internalize this pain, nor instill it in others. I will not eat this shame.

I will see beyond what this culture offers me and work towards my vision. I will claim the right to shape my own culture and to determine how it shapes me. With my education, reproductive rights, and property - gained by the suffragettes and Renaissance witches and feminists who came before me - I will stand on the shoulders of these giants and continue to build the platform of perspective higher. And someday, someone will stand on this great chain of being and see beyond where I see now. This chain of environmentalists, of protestors, of prisoners, of activists, of dreamers, of musicians, of writers, of advocates, of visionaries, of community builders. They will have the right I seek to bestow, just as I have the rights bestowed upon me. We are not the pinnacle of human society. Better is possible. 

Because I have come to believe this “truth” about myself so deeply, I just manifest it over and over again. Taking in only the evidence that supports it and discounting the evidence against it (our brains are SOOOO good at that). For example i ignore the fact that I appear to have lots of people who like to hang around me. If I was really so exasperating, I would probably have a lot less friends and less invitations to do things with them. Or maybe the “truth” is actually just less extreme. Yes, I can be annoying sometimes, but who isn’t. Or, I probably do freak out really quiet or stoic people (like my mother) but that doesn’t mean everybody is as easily distressed by me.

I was talking with a wise and wonderful friend yesterday who made a good point. That ALL mothers get annoyed with their kids just because of the amount of time they have to spend looking after them. Maybe she said this on a rough day and did not exactly mean it as a general statement. Maybe she really did mean it but that doesn’t mean that it applies to everyone I meet. So, as I de-construct this belief that I have been living out, perhaps the very behavior that I do get embarrassed about (being so talkative and self-obsessed) might even drop off a little as I am less nervous and, therefore, a less chatty. Cuz when you focus on controlling a particular behavior it can often just get worse from all the attention you are giving it. Like trying to avoid thinking about that leftover lasagna in the fridge…

I guess we’ll see what comes of this realization. Hopefully a little less self-recrimination, a little more self-esteem, and a little more freedom. Besides, although I love my mother dearly I admit to thinking that she is also lovely… in small doses.