badhamster

Many people have heard me mention a comment my mother made that I believe I internalized WAY too much: “You are lovely, dear… but in small doses.” In other words, I am likable but only for limited periods of time and then people need a break from me as I become overwhelming. So I tend to try to limit the length of time I spend with friends, thinking that they are getting sick of me. I think that being my pal is a sort of burden for them to bear, as I am so exasperating, so I must reward them for suffering through it by being generous in other ways - like paying for dinner or apologizing profusely for talking so much (and usually about myself).

Because I have come to believe this “truth” about myself so deeply, I just manifest it over and over again. Taking in only the evidence that supports it and discounting the evidence against it (our brains are SOOOO good at that). For example i ignore the fact that I appear to have lots of people who like to hang around me. If I was really so exasperating, I would probably have a lot less friends and less invitations to do things with them. Or maybe the “truth” is actually just less extreme. Yes, I can be annoying sometimes, but who isn’t. Or, I probably do freak out really quiet or stoic people (like my mother) but that doesn’t mean everybody is as easily distressed by me.

I was talking with a wise and wonderful friend yesterday who made a good point. That ALL mothers get annoyed with their kids just because of the amount of time they have to spend looking after them. Maybe she said this on a rough day and did not exactly mean it as a general statement. Maybe she really did mean it but that doesn’t mean that it applies to everyone I meet. So, as I de-construct this belief that I have been living out, perhaps the very behavior that I do get embarrassed about (being so talkative and self-obsessed) might even drop off a little as I am less nervous and, therefore, a less chatty. Cuz when you focus on controlling a particular behavior it can often just get worse from all the attention you are giving it. Like trying to avoid thinking about that leftover lasagna in the fridge…

I guess we’ll see what comes of this realization. Hopefully a little less self-recrimination, a little more self-esteem, and a little more freedom. Besides, although I love my mother dearly I admit to thinking that she is also lovely… in small doses.

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